What Grieving People With You Knew about what really helps (and what really hurts) by Nancy Guthrie

You run into an old friend, and as natural as breathing, you ask how she’s doing with a smile. Then, panic strikes you as tears fill her eyes, and she struggles to tell you she’s had yet another miscarriage. Your mind goes blank. Your mouth goes dry – what do you say to show you care and not add to her pain?

Your women’s ministry has a steady stream of baby showers every year, but you notice one woman declines every invitation sent. You wonder why she isn’t excited to join the celebration of new life. Should you ask her why she is avoiding these parties?

You notice a man has been attending church and small group without his wife of only two years. You feel uncomfortable asking why she stays home, but you care and miss her dearly. You remember your husband mentioned a few months ago that he heard they were struggling with infertility. How do you show you care?

These are a few of the many stories we hear and have witnessed personally throughout our years speaking about reproductive loss. Every story is unique and filled with a multitude of hurt and often confusion. Grieving feels so isolating and those hurting need to know we love and care for them. But how?

Author Nancy Guthrie offers a deep well of wisdom in her book “What Grieving People Wish You Knew -about what really helps (and what really hurts).” Nancy dedicates this book to the thousands of GriefShare facilitators she has met over the years as they themselves comforted the thousands grieving sorrow upon sorrow.  

Nancy covers the much-needed topics that we often want to avoid of what not to say, typical things we do say, assumptions we make, and what not to do. Instead, we need to think deeply about our words and actions. Using Scripture and her graceful approach, she offers the reader suggestions on what to say and do and how to battle the assumptions that creep in so naturally. She also writes a beautiful chapter about Heaven and salvation.

And as I have often felt at a loss for words or knowing what to do for my hurting friends, I felt relieved within the first few pages of the book. Nancy writes in Chapter 1, “It’s not up to you to make the pain go away, even though you would love to. Grieving people are not expecting you to make the pain go away. They’re really hoping that you will be willing to hurt with them. That’s what makes a great friend in the midst of grief!” How freeing is just that statement alone! We are to simply come alongside those hurting, letting God lead and bring the ultimate comfort.

We at RLN can’t recommend this book enough as we see it as an etiquette book for all helpers, for any loss. Please read and be confident as a helper. And remember Paul’s words as he writes to the church in Corinth,

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

For hope and healing.

New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp

Wouldn’t it be great to believe today could be an invitation for a fresh start? What if there was a book that offered daily reminders of that possibility? I’d read it!

If you thought I was describing the Bible, you’re absolutely right. We should always start there for our direction, hope, and encouragement. But God gives some the ability to write great “helper” books, personal accounts offering the extra touch of humanity to the Biblical truths. And I offer a suggestion…

One of my favorites is “New Morning Mercies” by Paul David Tripp. I couldn’t help to think this would be a perfect addition to people’s libraries as they look for a new devotional for 2022. Or, maybe this is already on your shelf, and I offer a gentle suggestion to consider another reading this year. Either way, Paul writes 365 greatly needed meditations reminding us of God’s endless grace in our lives. Lamentations 3:22-23 is the basis of the book and reminds us:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

We need to be reminded, constantly, of God’s grace and mercy. I often find myself buried under timelines and tasks of my own doing, thinking I can do just one more thing for God. Other times, I’m so exhausted I wonder what difference it all makes to God or those around me. In both perspectives, I recognize I am serving myself and my expectations. I need a fresh start!
“New Morning Mercies” is a godsend as I read and am reminded of the transforming grace God gives to me and how my identity is not in this world but in Christ. If you choose to read, I pray you will find this devotion as much of a blessing as I have.

Abortion – For Our Readers

By sharing our stories of hope and healing, we offer an exceptional gift to another. So often, in times of suffering and pain, we benefit from knowing we are not alone. Our words can make a significant difference to someone who needs to hear a Biblical perspective of hope.

You may have heard the statistics, “1 out of 4 women by age 45 will have had an abortion.” And of those women and men, so many have not experienced God’s grace, forgiveness, and love. And of their families, friends, and loved ones, they may think they don’t have permission to grieve the loss.

If you have not experienced abortion personally, I ask you to pray for God’s wisdom in how you can become a safe person for those you may know or come into contact with who are suffering from abortion. Being a safe person is vital, and it grants the Lord the opportunity to use you as a healing vessel. Unfortunately, the abortion-minded and those who have chosen abortion often hurt and feel isolated. However, there are several ways to pursue education to help those who grieve their decisions. Learn more here.

If you have been affected by abortion and have not sought after abortion care, I ask for you to pray for discernment and guidance from the Lord on your next steps. You may think you need to wait for the “right time.” But the reality is, the enemy will never allow that feeling to come. If you would like more information on care after an abortion, please reach out to us. No judgment, only help to hope. — Tanya and Tricia.