The diagnosis of infertility is brutal. Many have perceived it as a curse or a failure that has inhibited them from fulfilling God’s command “to be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28, ESV). But in a broken world with broken bodies, it’s no wonder. When a doctor’s words strike against the dream of building a family, the enemy is quick to attack. He attempts to assault couples internally and externally, hoping to steal their identity and purpose and destroy the marriage.
The unfortunate reality is that infertility is on the rise, affecting both men and women in their ability to conceive naturally. This is not human weakness but true suffering of the mind, body, and spirit. And this is where couples realize that this is a battle no one talks about.
Whether you, your spouse, or both hold the diagnosis, its aftermath becomes a minefield. And the reality of military life can add complications as couples work around their health decisions through deployments, moving schedules, and distance from family support. As time goes on with no pregnancy, secrecy can seem the best option to prevent platitudes and home remedies from well-meaning family and friends.
Biblical Reminder: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18, NIV).
The Desire for Children and the Ache of Empty Arms
The desire and longing for children are God-given and biblically sound. In Proverbs 13:12, we read that a “hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (NIV).
When we face infertility, the enemy is quick to plant a mine in the heart with the belief that children are a right or an entitlement. Scripture indeed reveals that children are a gift and a blessing, but it is equally true that those who are childless are not worthless. Though the desire is there, not all are called to receive this blessing. Throughout the Bible, we read stories of men and women who longed for children and cried out in heartfelt prayer (Genesis 15:2–3; 25:21; 30:1; 1 Samuel 1:10–11).
If you and your spouse struggle with infertility, you are not alone. This season may feel dark, but there is no darkness with God (1 John 1:5).
Biblical Reminder: “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust’” (Psalm 91:1–2, ESV).
Suffering and the Sovereignty of God
You’ve likely been trained that disorientation and disorganization can happen when caught in a surprise attack. This is what infertility does to a couple.
It seems there are no right words to express what is felt, and as beliefs are challenged, the grueling questions about God surface: How long must we wait? Do you even care?
For soldiers, instinct is not to abandon the mission but to get their bearings and find their anchor point. For believers, we must choose to trust in God’s sovereignty and His greater plan and purpose. Our navigation tool in hand must be Scripture, reminding us that God is the supreme authority over all things and is always in control. Disorientation and disorganization fade with God’s Truth.
In His lovingkindness, God teaches us how to grieve biblically through the language of lament found in the Psalms, Lamentations, and other books. Suffering doesn’t have the last word. God gives us power for the battle through the full armor of God, described in Ephesians 6. Equipped with this armor and its weapons, one is always prepared for what is to come, “that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil” (Ephesians 6:11 ESV). Be battle-ready by reading Ephesians 6:10-17.
Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART)—Consider the Risk Biblically
In response to the brokenness of our bodies, modern medicine is constantly seeking ways to repair the body. In the arena of fertility, assisted reproductive technology (ART) is any treatment or procedure that involves a laboratory to help a woman achieve pregnancy.
There are different types of ART, such as artificial insemination (AI), intrauterine insemination (IUI), and in vitro fertilization (IVF), the most common of these procedures. IVF involves extracting and grading eggs and washing sperm, then combining them to create embryos outside the woman’s body. Since life begins at fertilization, each embryo created is a unique human life.
What most couples do not anticipate is that many IVF protocols create more embryos than will ever be transferred. Embryos are also graded to predict the best outcome for a pregnancy. This leads couples to make difficult decisions about whether to freeze them in fee-based medical storage or discard them, essentially a form of abortion. Incredibly, the number of frozen embryos in the United States is estimated to be over a million. What couples don’t expect is who will hold ownership of them in the unfortunate event of divorce or other life circumstances.
Other branches of ART involve decisions around surrogacy—an arrangement where a woman agrees to get pregnant and give birth on behalf of another woman who will become the child’s legal mother after birth—the donation of sperm or eggs, and genetic selection (DNA testing, gender preference, and more). These arrangements introduce profound questions about parenthood, identity, and the sanctity of life that need to be answered before God:
Is ART complementing natural design or is it human engineering? Biblically, we are to be good stewards of our bodies (1 Corinthians 6:19–20) and embrace that life begins at fertilization (Psalm 139:13-16; Jeremiah 1:5). With the knowledge of these biblical truths, we must consider if ART supports what God has created (medically restoring function) or attempts to engineer around God’s natural design (life created in a laboratory).
Does ART promote the expectation of creating a “perfect” child? In choosing IVF, will the embryos be genetically tested, then discarded if graded low-quality, or selectively reduced because of gender preference? How many lives will be created? After a transfer of multiple embryos and implantation is a success, resulting in multiple children, will reduction (abortion) be recommended by medical doctors, gambling for a better chance of survival for one? And what will be decided for the future of the remaining embryos? Will they be placed for adoption, frozen in an embryo bank, or discarded?
Does the ART option being considered involve a third party? Donor eggs, donor sperm, and surrogacy introduce a third person into the one-flesh covenant of marriage (Genesis 2:24). Couples must carefully pray for wisdom, considering the biblical mandate of marriage, our roles, and the child.
These questions may be shocking, but they are real decisions couples may face.
Maybe you’ve had a successful IVF pregnancy and you’re now considering a second transfer. But the reality is this: ART procedures can pose risks to a woman’s body, the baby, or both, with some left injured from egg retrievals or experiencing high-risk births.
Each fertility journey is unique, and we must accept that we cannot control outcomes, no matter how much effort we put into medicine and worldly wisdom.
Biblical Reference: “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9 NIV).
Counting the Cost
ART is expensive, physically grueling, and most are not prepared for the grief that comes with each decision, procedure, and outcome (successful or not). Because of the physical, emotional, and spiritual impact, intimacy is often affected, isolation can increase, unhealthy coping strategies can be established, and communication is nearly always threatened. Many marriages can be quietly fractured during the pursuit of pregnancy and ART.
Please remember this: Childbearing years are not devoid of purpose, even if a couple is unable to conceive biologically. This season can be a call to fight together, not against one another, as “the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy” (John 10:10a, ESV). And importantly, infertility is not an identifier but can be a time that draws couples closer as they pursue God in their decisions and turn to a future full of hope.
A Direct Word to the Husband
Infertility is not just your wife’s battle. It’s yours, too. The enemy knows that if he can isolate her, overwhelm her, and make her feel alone in this fight, the marriage becomes the next casualty. Do not let this happen on your watch.
You may feel helpless. You may not have the right words. You may be carrying your own grief in private, thinking you are protecting her from your pain. This is not weakness but rather the weight of leadership. But silence is not the same as strength. She does not want you to fix this or to stand at a distance; she needs you to fight with her.
Peter charges husbands to live with their wives “in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7 ESV). The word understanding carries the weight of knowledge—study her, know her, be present with her in this season. Your leadership is not measured by whether pregnancy is achieved; it’s measured by whether you loved her faithfully through the season of uncertainty.
Lead her to the anchor point in Christ. Suit up together. Hold the line.
Four Biblical Strategies
Whether you are new to this battle, years into the fight, or carrying decisions already made, God has not left your side. He is not surprised by the diagnosis, your grief, or your questions. He is sovereign over the womb, sovereign over your marriage, and sovereign over the future of your family, however He chooses to build it.
Consider your next steps together:
Don’t walk alone—Fallen Soldiers Ministries exists to gift you with biblical counseling. There is no shame in reaching out for support, especially for those who have also journeyed through infertility, pregnancy loss, and childlessness. Also reach out to Godly men and women in your local church. Many are familiar with grief and suffering and would consider it a privilege to come alongside you.
Continue in hope and prayer together, accepting God’s answer—Whether yes, no, or wait, this is active trust, an acceptance to reorganize with God’s sovereign purpose.
Pursue ethical medical support—Such support does not compromise the sanctity of life or the covenant of marriage. Ask your doctors the hard questions, especially regarding the creation, selection, and reduction of embryos.
Consider embryo adoption and foster care—This is not Plan B or C or a way to fill your baby space quickly. Reflect on the heart of God who adopted us (Ephesians 1:5). If He says yes, this is a beautiful calling to care for the future generation for God’s glory. Biblical Promise: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you” (James 1:5 NIV).
Closing Charge
Infertility is one battle in a longer war. How you and your spouse navigate this season of grief, decisions, and waiting is important to God, as it will become a part of your testimony. It will become the thing God uses to minister to the couple sitting across from you one day, who have just received the infertility diagnosis and have no idea how to survive it.
God wastes nothing—not the waiting, not the loss, not the unanswered prayers. Not even the decisions made before you read this. Never forget, you are already a family.
So hold the line—not just for your marriage, not just for the family you hope to build, but because faithful men and women who trust God in the dark are exactly the kind of warriors this generation is desperate for.
Biblical Promise: “We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28 ESV).
I caught you with that line, didn’t I? It would get my attention in a heartbeat. I am always looking to improve and expand my counseling accuracy, sharpen my counseling tools, and at the same time, keep up on the new resources coming at me like a very fast assembly line of goodies (think Lucy and Ethel with their chocolates!).
There is no doubt that rich, Christ-saturated books, curricula, and other media are within our reach. That is one of the reasons we offer a robust list of suggested resources on our website. With so much abundant content to help with, what are the best resources? And should we use the same resources across the board when each person we care for has a uniqueness to their reproductive grief and losses?
Honestly, it’s impossible. I’ve tried. And we’ve heard from many helpers who have tried, too. But there is good news: every one of us has the one resource outshining them all. Yes, the very Word of God. God Himself declares its authority and sufficiency, giving us all we need for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness.
To be honest, one of the greatest challenges we face is knowing how to help an unbeliever who doesn’t want faith-based care. I want to encourage you here, in every session, you are facing either evangelism or discipleship. The Wonderful Counselor himself teaches us the best counseling process. Ask more questions than give answers. Jesus asked over 300 questions during His three-year ministry. And I imagine He asked many more questions that were not recorded in Scripture! But the purpose of His questions offers a gold mine of resources. Jesus challenged assumptions and led those he ministered to personal reflection.
Believer or not, if we listen well, we can hear every person’s plea for truth, meaning, and purpose in their suffering. With wisdom and discernment, we can identify their assumptions, expectations, and often, agendas. It is then that we engage them to consider these things differently, through a lens that embraces hope and healing.
And for us, the best way to do this is to be saturated and surrendered in this best resource ourselves. Joshua 1:8-9 lays out the beautiful promise of how our time in God’s Word gives us success, strength, and courage. So utilize the wonderful resources God has given us through His saints, and remain grounded in Scripture, where the Helper, the Holy Spirit, emboldens you to be His instrument, a true gift to our hurting world.
– Tanya Flores
*Blog post image from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2x8N4DjxnE.
A question we often hear (or some variation of it) is, “What does Reproductive Loss Network think of psychology and science?” It’s a great question, and if you are curious, I’d like to share our answer with you!
First, what do psychology and science aim to contribute to our understanding of human life? According to the American Psychological Association, “psychology is the scientific study of the mind and behavior.” Although the science of psychology is relatively new, the study of behavior, existence, reasoning, and related topics has its roots in the early philosophical minds such as Thales, Socrates, and Plato, among others. The human fascination with the mind is so vast that this area of study is continuously expanding, with its current estimate exceeding 4,700 books. This isn’t counting the comprehensive psychology reference sets available, which are typically multi-volume and very extensive, covering thousands of entries and topics. Additionally, consider the multitude of research studies and statistical articles! ScienceDirect reports that between 1950 and 1999, at least 676,393 studies were published, with the volume of publications steadily increasing to over one million by 2021.[1] One can only guess what these estimates are now, in 2025.
As I write this post, I feel overwhelmed typing these numbers. One reason is that RLN strives to stay informed of new scientific findings and provide our learners with accurate statistics and data, recognizing the value of studies and research. A second reason is how, then, from these vast volumes of work, do we decide which articles and findings lend authority to our understanding of the human mind and behavior? What data or models should inform us of the trauma, suffering, and pain of those we serve who are in seasons of reproductive grief?
Our answer comes out of our identity in Christ. As believers, we must seek the answers that are easily found. Our Creator has given us such wisdom and is our Wonderful Counselor (we can find over 100 verses reminding us of His perfect counsel and care). He breathed out His Word (2 Timothy 3:16), the absolute Truth about humanity, a truth that remains constant and unchanging over time. He is the author of our lives, who knows us completely and holds our past, present, and future in His hands. This wisdom is not hidden; it is for all to learn and understand the biblical categories of the human heart, which lead the mind and body.
As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. 2 Samuel 22:31, Psalm 18:30
So, back to the question, “What do we think about psychology and science?“
We think about it a lot! We agree that the discoveries psychology and science offer can add value and insight to our world. Even God used numbers and related descriptors of behavior throughout His Word for specific purposes and to have a profound impact. As for how to interpret the world’s findings, we turn to God, our ultimate authority (Isaiah 28:29, Psalm 32:8), who gives us the ability to articulate observations from a biblical perspective.
So, when it comes to helping those with reproductive grief, we hope biblical helpers will pause with us and consider the methods of care given. Are we trusting in man’s models, or seeking to understand life’s perplexities and pain through the lens of Christ? We must remember what God reveals to us in Jeremiah 17:9 that the “heart [of man] is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” This is a humbling declaration (and hard to accept at times). The world cannot be our counselor. However, as biblical educators, we strive to offer you the biblical standard of care from the Word of God, which equips, educates, and encourages us—all for His glory and the purposes of our ministries. As the body of Christ, may we continue to learn together as we are lifted by humbling ourselves before the Lord (James 4:10), who enables us to comfort others as we have been comforted by Him (2 Corinthians 1:4).
A Christian blogger I follow recently posted a heartbreaking update to living with her painstaking illness. What was hard to read was the profanity in her post title and the absence of Scripture in her lament. She said (in a few more words) that she was not suffering well. My heart sank as I continued to read her post and hear her grieving heart through her honest words. I quickly prayed for her comfort.
What this post spurred was a genuine conversation between me and Tricia. Our responses as we processed this post were different from one another. We both felt how honest expressions of suffering can sometimes make us uncomfortable. And as such, suffering causes our hearts to reach for a respite and solution. But in which direction will our heart move? As helpers and sufferers, do we respond through our wisdom or run to our familiar comforts? Or do we turn to Christ, our Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6) and Man of Sorrows (Isaiah 53:3)?
One of my favored illustrations about suffering describes how easily we get caught up with the world’s solutions to our pain, trying and testing the options repeatedly. But this pursuit leaves us in a holding pattern, in other words, like driving in a cul-de-sac. Oh, how I have lived this looping and hopeless path. But Christ does not leave us in our unceasing state of circles. He gives us the only way out: Himself. We see this throughout Scripture with the bridging word, yet.
We see this in Jonah’s pain in chapter 2:4-6
Then I said, ‘I am driven away from your sight; yet I shall again look upon your holy temple.’ The waters closed in over me to take my life; the deep surrounded me; weeds were wrapped about my head at the roots of the mountains. I went down to the land whose bars closed upon me forever; yet you brought up my life from the pit, O LORD my God.
We read in Habakkuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, he flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.
And in Job 19:25-27
For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another. My heart faints within me!
Oh, how our Lord loves us. As helpers, we can embrace these biblical truths, reminding us that our sufferings and those we care for have a way out of the “cul-de-sac.” May we never forget the bridging “yets“, the promises of Christ in our pain and infliction. And please, join me in prayer for those who desperately need to hear the gentle but lifesaving yets. God’s promises are the only remedy, reminding us our pain is temporary; we can fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen, the eternal glory and future in Christ (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).
Last week a friend stopped by for a visit, saw my plants, and offered some advice. The need was evident. One of my succulents sits with its overgrown stalk resting on the kitchen window, like a child smooshing its face into the glass. Across the counter sits a different plant, droopy and over-watered, looking as if trying to reach something to hold on to, only to give up. She told me the size of the pots is the problem, affecting their healthy growth. One has too much room, and the other is cramped. I had no idea!
Doing research, I found on SimplifyPlants’ website that “different species of plants have different care requirements, and each of them acts differently in a particular situation.” For example, when the pot’s size is too small, the nutrients present in the soil will be absorbed quickly by the plant, and the roots may become root-bound. On the other hand, if you put a plant in a pot too big, the plant will not be able to absorb appropriate nutrients. In addition, the soil may hold too much water, leading to root rot and other pest problems in the plants. So, I learned that I have to be intentional in my pot selection for each plant, giving it the appropriate soil, water, and fertilizer it requires.
Thinking about plants reminds me of how God made us uniquely in his image, planting us strategically for growth, pruning, and harvesting (Jeremiah 17:7-8). God knows when we need a smaller space for our roots to grow deep, and he knows when we are ready for a larger area of expansion. He also gives us “fertilizer” through his Word (2 Timothy 3:16-17) and his church, where we encourage and support one another (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
Unfortunately, we often want to control where we are planted, our speed of growth, and the fruit we bring. Other times, we may not want to grow but remain where we are, tired and weary from the process. It’s often in grief that we feel the struggle the most. When we endure suffering, we may feel we’ve been ripped from our pot and question if we’ll ever grow again. We are challenged in our faith to trust the master gardener (John 15:1-27), who we are to abide in, through all seasons of life. He is the one who causes us to grow and prunes us when needed. He gives us Jesus, our living water and nourishment, promising through him we won’t hunger or thirst again (John 4:10, 6:35)
Let’s encourage one another not to struggle out of our pots. As it is for us and those we help, God knows where we belong, even when it feels foreign, dull, or barren. Let’s remind ourselves and them to soak in the living water of Jesus and allow him to fertilize our soil. Be intentional in the community around you, supporting, encouraging, and tending to one another. And with patience and perseverance, we look forward to the Kingdom of God…
…yet when it is sown, it grows up and becomes larger than all the garden plants and forms large branches; so that THE BIRDS OF THE AIR can NEST UNDER ITS SHADE. – Mark 4:32
