The Battle No One Talks About.
The diagnosis of infertility is brutal. Many have perceived it as a curse or a failure that has inhibited them from fulfilling God’s command “to be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28, ESV). But in a broken world with broken bodies, it’s no wonder. When a doctor’s words strike against the dream of building a family, the enemy is quick to attack. He attempts to assault couples internally and externally, hoping to steal their identity and purpose and destroy the marriage.
The unfortunate reality is that infertility is on the rise, affecting both men and women in their ability to conceive naturally. This is not human weakness but true suffering of the mind, body, and spirit. And this is where couples realize that this is a battle no one talks about.
Whether you, your spouse, or both hold the diagnosis, its aftermath becomes a minefield. And the reality of military life can add complications as couples work around their health decisions through deployments, moving schedules, and distance from family support. As time goes on with no pregnancy, secrecy can seem the best option to prevent platitudes and home remedies from well-meaning family and friends.
Biblical Reminder: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18, NIV).
The Desire for Children and the Ache of Empty Arms
The desire and longing for children are God-given and biblically sound. In Proverbs 13:12, we read that a “hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (NIV).
When we face infertility, the enemy is quick to plant a mine in the heart with the belief that children are a right or an entitlement. Scripture indeed reveals that children are a gift and a blessing, but it is equally true that those who are childless are not worthless. Though the desire is there, not all are called to receive this blessing. Throughout the Bible, we read stories of men and women who longed for children and cried out in heartfelt prayer (Genesis 15:2–3; 25:21; 30:1; 1 Samuel 1:10–11).
If you and your spouse struggle with infertility, you are not alone. This season may feel dark, but there is no darkness with God (1 John 1:5).
Biblical Reminder: “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust’” (Psalm 91:1–2, ESV).
Suffering and the Sovereignty of God
You’ve likely been trained that disorientation and disorganization can happen when caught in a surprise attack. This is what infertility does to a couple.
It seems there are no right words to express what is felt, and as beliefs are challenged, the grueling questions about God surface: How long must we wait? Do you even care?
For soldiers, instinct is not to abandon the mission but to get their bearings and find their anchor point. For believers, we must choose to trust in God’s sovereignty and His greater plan and purpose. Our navigation tool in hand must be Scripture, reminding us that God is the supreme authority over all things and is always in control. Disorientation and disorganization fade with God’s Truth.
In His lovingkindness, God teaches us how to grieve biblically through the language of lament found in the Psalms, Lamentations, and other books. Suffering doesn’t have the last word. God gives us power for the battle through the full armor of God, described in Ephesians 6. Equipped with this armor and its weapons, one is always prepared for what is to come, “that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil” (Ephesians 6:11 ESV). Be battle-ready by reading Ephesians 6:10-17.
Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART)—Consider the Risk Biblically
In response to the brokenness of our bodies, modern medicine is constantly seeking ways to repair the body. In the arena of fertility, assisted reproductive technology (ART) is any treatment or procedure that involves a laboratory to help a woman achieve pregnancy.
There are different types of ART, such as artificial insemination (AI), intrauterine insemination (IUI), and in vitro fertilization (IVF), the most common of these procedures. IVF involves extracting and grading eggs and washing sperm, then combining them to create embryos outside the woman’s body. Since life begins at fertilization, each embryo created is a unique human life.
What most couples do not anticipate is that many IVF protocols create more embryos than will ever be transferred. Embryos are also graded to predict the best outcome for a pregnancy. This leads couples to make difficult decisions about whether to freeze them in fee-based medical storage or discard them, essentially a form of abortion. Incredibly, the number of frozen embryos in the United States is estimated to be over a million. What couples don’t expect is who will hold ownership of them in the unfortunate event of divorce or other life circumstances.
Other branches of ART involve decisions around surrogacy—an arrangement where a woman agrees to get pregnant and give birth on behalf of another woman who will become the child’s legal mother after birth—the donation of sperm or eggs, and genetic selection (DNA testing, gender preference, and more). These arrangements introduce profound questions about parenthood, identity, and the sanctity of life that need to be answered before God:
- Is ART complementing natural design or is it human engineering?
Biblically, we are to be good stewards of our bodies (1 Corinthians 6:19–20) and embrace that life begins at fertilization (Psalm 139:13-16; Jeremiah 1:5). With the knowledge of these biblical truths, we must consider if ART supports what God has created (medically restoring function) or attempts to engineer around God’s natural design (life created in a laboratory).
- Does ART promote the expectation of creating a “perfect” child?
In choosing IVF, will the embryos be genetically tested, then discarded if graded low-quality, or selectively reduced because of gender preference? How many lives will be created? After a transfer of multiple embryos and implantation is a success, resulting in multiple children, will reduction (abortion) be recommended by medical doctors, gambling for a better chance of survival for one? And what will be decided for the future of the remaining embryos? Will they be placed for adoption, frozen in an embryo bank, or discarded?
- Does the ART option being considered involve a third party?
Donor eggs, donor sperm, and surrogacy introduce a third person into the one-flesh covenant of marriage (Genesis 2:24). Couples must carefully pray for wisdom, considering the biblical mandate of marriage, our roles, and the child.
These questions may be shocking, but they are real decisions couples may face.
Maybe you’ve had a successful IVF pregnancy and you’re now considering a second transfer. But the reality is this: ART procedures can pose risks to a woman’s body, the baby, or both, with some left injured from egg retrievals or experiencing high-risk births.
Each fertility journey is unique, and we must accept that we cannot control outcomes, no matter how much effort we put into medicine and worldly wisdom.
Biblical Reference: “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9 NIV).
Counting the Cost
ART is expensive, physically grueling, and most are not prepared for the grief that comes with each decision, procedure, and outcome (successful or not). Because of the physical, emotional, and spiritual impact, intimacy is often affected, isolation can increase, unhealthy coping strategies can be established, and communication is nearly always threatened. Many marriages can be quietly fractured during the pursuit of pregnancy and ART.
Please remember this: Childbearing years are not devoid of purpose, even if a couple is unable to conceive biologically. This season can be a call to fight together, not against one another, as “the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy” (John 10:10a, ESV). And importantly, infertility is not an identifier but can be a time that draws couples closer as they pursue God in their decisions and turn to a future full of hope.
A Direct Word to the Husband
Infertility is not just your wife’s battle. It’s yours, too. The enemy knows that if he can isolate her, overwhelm her, and make her feel alone in this fight, the marriage becomes the next casualty. Do not let this happen on your watch.
You may feel helpless. You may not have the right words. You may be carrying your own grief in private, thinking you are protecting her from your pain. This is not weakness but rather the weight of leadership. But silence is not the same as strength. She does not want you to fix this or to stand at a distance; she needs you to fight with her.
Peter charges husbands to live with their wives “in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7 ESV). The word understanding carries the weight of knowledge—study her, know her, be present with her in this season. Your leadership is not measured by whether pregnancy is achieved; it’s measured by whether you loved her faithfully through the season of uncertainty.
Lead her to the anchor point in Christ. Suit up together. Hold the line.
Four Biblical Strategies
Whether you are new to this battle, years into the fight, or carrying decisions already made, God has not left your side. He is not surprised by the diagnosis, your grief, or your questions. He is sovereign over the womb, sovereign over your marriage, and sovereign over the future of your family, however He chooses to build it.
Consider your next steps together:
- Don’t walk alone—Fallen Soldiers Ministries exists to gift you with biblical counseling. There is no shame in reaching out for support, especially for those who have also journeyed through infertility, pregnancy loss, and childlessness. Also reach out to Godly men and women in your local church. Many are familiar with grief and suffering and would consider it a privilege to come alongside you.
- Continue in hope and prayer together, accepting God’s answer—Whether yes, no, or wait, this is active trust, an acceptance to reorganize with God’s sovereign purpose.
- Pursue ethical medical support—Such support does not compromise the sanctity of life or the covenant of marriage. Ask your doctors the hard questions, especially regarding the creation, selection, and reduction of embryos.
- Consider embryo adoption and foster care—This is not Plan B or C or a way to fill your baby space quickly. Reflect on the heart of God who adopted us (Ephesians 1:5). If He says yes, this is a beautiful calling to care for the future generation for God’s glory.
Biblical Promise: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you” (James 1:5 NIV).
Closing Charge
Infertility is one battle in a longer war. How you and your spouse navigate this season of grief, decisions, and waiting is important to God, as it will become a part of your testimony. It will become the thing God uses to minister to the couple sitting across from you one day, who have just received the infertility diagnosis and have no idea how to survive it.
God wastes nothing—not the waiting, not the loss, not the unanswered prayers. Not even the decisions made before you read this. Never forget, you are already a family.
So hold the line—not just for your marriage, not just for the family you hope to build, but because faithful men and women who trust God in the dark are exactly the kind of warriors this generation is desperate for.
Biblical Promise: “We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28 ESV).
Originally published for Fallen Soldiers Ministry Blog, https://fallensoldiersministries.com/holding-the-line-infertility-assisted-reproductive-technology-the-sovereignty-of-god/.
– Tanya Flores, ACBC Certified Biblical Counselor, Cofounder of Reproductive Loss Network