We at RLN are compulsive readers, especially books on reproductive loss and grief. A large part of this is because we want to refer to rich, Bible-based books that will give you tools to help comfort others during seasons of grief. This week, I found a gem of a book I just had to share.
If you are looking for a book offering encouragement for a friend or client who has experienced a miscarriage, Abbey Wedgeworth’s book Held is a beautiful choice. Having experienced the sorrow of miscarriage, Wedgeworth offers small glimpses into her own story and those of others, encouraging sufferers that they are not alone. However, the most helpful aspect of the book is how Wedgeworth gently guides the sufferer to the endless grace of God through the gospel message.
Wedgeworth uses Psalm 139 to produce a Word-saturated, accessible, and thoughtful gift. Held offers a brief reflection for the day, followed by additional passages to read, a reflection prompt, and an opportunity to respond through journaling. The book’s simple, short, and insightful structure makes it a hopeful and relevant gift or resource for giving to a hurting friend. If you’re looking for an opportunity to learn more about Wedgeworth, she discusses her book on The Good Book Company podcast here.
Recently, I met with a friend who shared the loss of her granddaughter, who died at 20 weeks in utero. As we sat in our local sandwich shop, we cried together over the loss of the baby, the grief she shared with her daughter and son-in-law, and the dreams she and her husband had of being grandparents. The sun shining through the restaurant windows on that clear winter afternoon seemed to taunt us as it cast happy rays on the faces of people enjoying their day. For a time, we sat in the shadows.
I am often amazed that I work in this grief-care space, teaching others how to help people suffering after a reproductive loss. I frequently introduce myself as one who has “said all the wrong things” to hurting people. Embarrassed yet hoping to offer encouragement, I blurted untrue and unhelpful sentiments. As I have wrestled with my weakness about saying the wrong thing in situations, two specific truths come to mind that can help our grieving friends with the hope the Lord has offered through his Word.
First, we are reminded that the Lord draws near to those who are hurting. He is already there at the restaurant, coffee shop, or family gathering. The ministry of comfort involves the Holy Spirit (Acts 9:31), God, the Father (2 Cor 1:3,4), and Christ, the Son (2 Cor 1:5; Phil 2:1), who is abundantly qualified to comfort man. Dane Ortlund writes, “Our pain never outstrips what he himself shares in. We are never alone. That sorrow that feels so isolating, so unique, was endured by him in the past and is now shouldered by him in the present.” We can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that God is already there, near to those in need. His presence has already begun the work at hand.
Second, God has called us to care for His sheep, which means that when they suffer loss, we need to be there for them by making ourselves available in humility and gentleness (Eph. 4:2). In the past, perhaps you have not been a student of your words or deeds in this area. But God is kind to reveal this to us when we ask Him to be the the person who offers the comfort and wisdom with which Christ comforts us. We can console each other through a gentle hand on the shoulder, a silent embrace, or shared tears. Other times, meaningful words are shared. In every case, it means taking our eyes off ourselves and looking outward to help others. It means, in the words of Benjamin Warfield, “Not that we should live one life, but a thousand lives—binding ourselves to a thousand souls by the filaments of so loving a sympathy that their lives become ours.”
Hearing our friend’s stories are a precious gift. Our conversation continually can point to Jesus as the Wonderful Counselor who brings the ultimate comfort to the suffering soul. With that knowledge, we can rest assured.
My colleague, Tanya, and I travel quite a bit for work as we speak at seminars, attend conferences, and provide training. On any given flight, we are asked where and what we do, and I can tell you, it’s not always sexy for others to learn that we are reproductive grief and loss educators. Some people will tell us their precious and sacred stories, and others will not look us in the eye for the rest of the journey. On one such flight, Tanya sat beside a beautiful young woman who asked what the purpose of our trip was. Tanya quietly mentioned our travel plans, then sat back to see where the conversation would lead. Soon, the woman looked up at the air vent, hoping to find the meaning of these words there. She hesitatingly asked, “Miscarriage?” Tanya breathed out, “Yes.” After a long pause, the woman asked, “Abortion?” Again, Tanya answered, “Yes.” Finally, the woman looked up, searching for words in the sky beyond the plane, and asked, “Hysterectomy?”
Yes.
The woman went on to share with Tanya how she had to have a complete hysterectomy at a young age and was now grieving the children she would never bear.
Reproductive loss is any experience of grief in a person’s life related to their reproductive health, decisions, fertility, the outcomes of a pregnancy, or the creation or care of their family[1]. It can involve the pain of miscarriage, the agony of stillbirth, perinatal and infant loss, and the complex emotions tied to infertility, assisted reproduction, and abortion. It also extends to adoption, children born with congenital disabilities, and any loss affecting a person’s reproductive well-being.
Reproductive loss is a widespread and often unspoken part of life. Miscarriage alone accounts for a quarter of all pregnancies, resulting in about two million losses yearly in the United States. Yet, it differs from other forms of grief in that parents who have experienced reproductive loss may have limited tangible memories of their baby. Their loss is silent, and they often grieve without the support or recognition they need to heal. Additionally, when individuals form deep connections with their unborn or newborn children and experience any loss, grief inevitably follows.
Knowing that many people struggle with reproductive loss is half the battle of becoming a source of understanding and empathy for them. Because it is a private (or scary) topic, we seldom delve into these particular and painfully common tragedies. Thus, distressed women and men are not receiving the biblical guidance they desperately need. Instead, struggling with their pain in isolation, they often seek comfort and answers online, where much of the content they stumble upon focuses on the emotional dimensions of losing a child rather than applying the truths of God’s Word to their grief. While they find empathy in the articles they read, the profound hope embedded in the gospel of Jesus Christ is missing.
With just a little bit of information on this topic, we can listen to these stories with empathy and offer the hope and comfort afforded us in Christ Jesus.
Tricia Lewis, Co-Founder Reproductive Loss Network
[1] Flores and Lewis, 2023; Earle et al., 2008; Price, 2008; Roth, 2018
This submission is from a dear friend who expresses the grief of her reproductive loss journey through poetry.
It lingers in the shadows.
It remains just under the surface.
Present on every major occasion,
holiday and transition.
If we are not careful
we can miss it all together.
Like a transformer it shape shifts, heaviness, frustration,
jealousy, sadness, anger, irritation….
But when we are still, and we allow our hearts to be known,
Out of the shadows its true form is shown
It’s not a monster at all,
when you turn on the lights
In fact, we see it’s been with us all our life.
Grief.
It is the little and the big ways
this life is not what I thought
The many and few ways
I regret the cards I got
It is the crushed expectations
And dreams of what could be
It is carrying a vision
That only I can see
Hope is a necessity
For a well lived life
But it requires a gap
That cuts like a knife
So, a suggestion if I may
To move us right along
Grief will linger still
But that doesn’t make it wrong
Grief simply exposes
what we know is true
We weren’t made for this world
(There is nothing wrong with you)
So we learn from its presence
We invite it to the table
We remember that were human
And accept that we are not able
Not able to control
this world that we live in
The brokenness around us
Or the story were given.
But there is one who is greater
And He is a the helm
Aware of every twist and turn
In the seen and unseen realm
The picture is so much bigger
Than the naked eye can bare
As the God of the universe
Meets us with tender loving care
Embracing our humanity
Both the highs and the lows
Is kinship with Jesus
At depths only He knows
For, why would a need a comforter,
a counselor and friend
if the American dream
was the goal at the end?
But a greater invitation
Has been issued in our name
A truly abundant life
Not void of grief and pain
It is in the midst the shadows
We discover that we’re not alone
Capture a greater vision
And remember—this is not our home.
I never wanted to be a statistic.
My past experiences volunteering for pregnancy centers and my community of Christian women led me to understand the realities of miscarriage from an early age. And I knew the data – 1 in 4.
My husband and I were overjoyed when we found out we were expecting. It felt so surreal! There’s a sweet little baby growing rapidly inside me and we get to love this baby from now to forever – we were ecstatic.
Week 14 rolled around and I was excited to begin the second trimester, but a few daunting spots made me nervous. A day later we learned there was no heartbeat. Our precious baby was gone. In the climax of grief – time, words, and emotions are all a blur.
I experienced what they call “a missed miscarriage.” Our baby had passed away much earlier, but my body didn’t stop acting pregnant. The physical pain that accompanies a miscarriage truly can’t be described. It was a swirl of dark agony, loss, humiliation, and fear.
Although reeling emotionally and physically for longer than I can count in some ways – the biggest blessing during this time was people. My husband, family, and close friends. Our church family brought us meals, friends from far away sent flowers, and my sister sat on the couch silently watching TV with me. The sense of presence found with those closest to me helped me grieve.
Two months later we found out we were expecting. This moment was followed by tears of fear instead of joy. I was so afraid. Like with our first baby, I prayed for their life and for God to protect and hold them close.
Week 12 came and there was no heartbeat. A missed miscarriage.
This loss brought on a completely different version of grief. I was angry at God, closed off, afraid of myself, and vulnerable in any capacity. I didn’t experience the physical pain brought by miscarriage because my new doctor suggested surgery instead.
I then felt guilt for bypassing the pain that miscarriage brings. I deserved to coil up into the fetal position with pains, cramps, aches, and shivers. I closed myself off more during this loss than the first. I believed I would be a burden to those who had poured into me so recently.
Each loss was accompanied by very different forms of grief. This solidified for me that grief isn’t linear and it won’t be a carbon copy each time something traumatic happens. Although grief morphs and changes – Christ does not change.
Through the kaleidoscope of emotions that grief brought – one thing remained constant and that was Christ. Although I prayed angrily wiping away a steady stream of tears; He never left. He never stopped loving me even when I told Him, ‘How could you?’ He never ceased to comfort me when I sobbed all my makeup off in the bathroom at work. He saw every tear, He heard every desperate cry for help, He listened to my degrading self-talk, and still, HE LOVED ME.
There is no one way to grieve. There isn’t a pretty timeline with a monthly schedule you can count on. You may want to be surrounded by those who love you or you might seek alone time to grieve. The only constant you can depend on when grief is crippling is Christ. He is unchanging.
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8
by Taylor LeProhon
