At RLN, we encourage churches to offer care and compassion to people experiencing grief, especially those who are often overlooked, the men and women hurting after reproductive loss.
In 1998 GriefShare, a video-based support group formed by Church Initiative was released to come alongside grieving individuals within the church and community. Today, over 20,000 churches are equipped with one or more Church Initiative ministry programs (griefshare.org). We are thankful for the men and women who tirelessly serve others by leading these groups and sharing their own losses for the healing of others.
Although GriefShare does not include specifics for reproductive loss, we can most definitely learn how to grieve and support others through their materials. I have found their book, written by Robert W. Kellemen, Ph.D., “God’s Healing for Life’s Losses: How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting,” a beneficial supplement to my resources, especially when teaching a biblical grieving process.
Dr. Kellemen fills eleven chapters with robust theology and practical application to grieving well. He begins his book with the verse John 16:33:
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Kellemen explains how to live abundantly with life’s losses in the context of God’s healing. He breaks down this verse to write in beautiful detail Jesus’ words about peace and taking heart in God’s promises. There is hope in Jesus.
On page 10, Dr. Kellemen includes a very helpful guide to “Biblical Sufferology,” laying out descriptions of how we grieve internally and externally, and process through stages of hurt and stages of healing. The remainder of the book is full of explanations of each concept depicted in this guide, offering grace-filled and truthful instructions for readers who are hurting and for those who want to support others well.
I love books that include homework or reflections after each chapter, and this book delivers deep questions for the reader. As I read the book, I took the time to answer the questions, and the Lord revealed deeper healing to my past hurts while lovingly displaying recent losses I haven’t yet processed. God is so good.
As a griever and helper, I encourage you to consider this book for your collection. It has served both Tricia and me well as we develop curriculum and workshops to encourage others to find rest for their hurting souls in Christ and invite others to do the same. And never forget…
Jesus is on the move. He’s speaking to you now. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). (Kellemen, p 7).
Sheila Harper, Founder of SaveOne.
Everything in me said abortion was wrong, but I charged forward with really bad advice, from even worse friends, and I went through with it anyway. March 29, 1985 was the day of my most regrettable mistake. I was nineteen years old and making decisions of life and death that I had no business making. My boyfriend broke up with me shortly after and I really don’t blame him. He begged me not to have the abortion and I selfishly did anyway. Don’t ever let anyone tell you this is just a woman’s issue. Men suffer from the aftermath of this choice as well.
For seven years after this date my life quickly became a mess. I started drinking, then consuming vast amounts of drugs. I spent all my money going to concerts and getting backstage, and signing up for credit cards and maxing them out. I suffered through a rape, and I went through relationships like water, not committing to anything or anybody. I became obsessed with death, hoping that if I took enough drugs, or drank enough alcohol I wouldn’t wake up. After an attempted suicide and being consumed with hoping to die, I met a man in a bar and cleaned myself up enough to get married.
My husband Jack, is the real hero in all of this. He loved me even as messed up as I was and lived with the drama of my life for years. We had two sons right away. My first son I have always felt was a gift from God to wake me up. That pregnancy got my attention and made me realize my life was worth living, if not for myself, then for this precious creature entrusted to me. My second son was indeed born on March 29th, the very day I had taken a life, God gave me another gift straight from Him.
Not long in to our marriage I heard about a class being offered for women who had experienced abortion and were having trouble afterward. Being in a group with others who had suffered the same experience after abortion, validated those seven years of isolation and loneliness. This Bible study I attended gave me back my life. It showed me how I needed to accept Jesus forgiveness and forgive myself. It was an incredible discovery and a much needed transformation.
God has walked me through forgiving the abusers in my life, owning my bad choices, and wiping my slate clean. He has made me a victor of my past circumstances…no longer a victim. What happened to me is not what defines me, but rather strengthens who I am today. The enemy meant all that junk for nothing but destruction in my life, but God used it all for the betterment of myself, my awesome family, and to help others through the same situations.
So there’s the real story. Without Grace I’m a mess, true and simple. With Grace life is awesome.
Please feel free to contact me by emailing info@saveone.org Or you can check out saveone.org for the same kind of help that was offered me and changed my life. Hope to hear from you soon!
You run into an old friend, and as natural as breathing, you ask how she’s doing with a smile. Then, panic strikes you as tears fill her eyes, and she struggles to tell you she’s had yet another miscarriage. Your mind goes blank. Your mouth goes dry – what do you say to show you care and not add to her pain?
Your women’s ministry has a steady stream of baby showers every year, but you notice one woman declines every invitation sent. You wonder why she isn’t excited to join the celebration of new life. Should you ask her why she is avoiding these parties?
You notice a man has been attending church and small group without his wife of only two years. You feel uncomfortable asking why she stays home, but you care and miss her dearly. You remember your husband mentioned a few months ago that he heard they were struggling with infertility. How do you show you care?
These are a few of the many stories we hear and have witnessed personally throughout our years speaking about reproductive loss. Every story is unique and filled with a multitude of hurt and often confusion. Grieving feels so isolating and those hurting need to know we love and care for them. But how?
Author Nancy Guthrie offers a deep well of wisdom in her book “What Grieving People Wish You Knew -about what really helps (and what really hurts).” Nancy dedicates this book to the thousands of GriefShare facilitators she has met over the years as they themselves comforted the thousands grieving sorrow upon sorrow.
Nancy covers the much-needed topics that we often want to avoid of what not to say, typical things we do say, assumptions we make, and what not to do. Instead, we need to think deeply about our words and actions. Using Scripture and her graceful approach, she offers the reader suggestions on what to say and do and how to battle the assumptions that creep in so naturally. She also writes a beautiful chapter about Heaven and salvation.
And as I have often felt at a loss for words or knowing what to do for my hurting friends, I felt relieved within the first few pages of the book. Nancy writes in Chapter 1, “It’s not up to you to make the pain go away, even though you would love to. Grieving people are not expecting you to make the pain go away. They’re really hoping that you will be willing to hurt with them. That’s what makes a great friend in the midst of grief!” How freeing is just that statement alone! We are to simply come alongside those hurting, letting God lead and bring the ultimate comfort.
We at RLN can’t recommend this book enough as we see it as an etiquette book for all helpers, for any loss. Please read and be confident as a helper. And remember Paul’s words as he writes to the church in Corinth,
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
For hope and healing.
Wouldn’t it be great to believe today could be an invitation for a fresh start? What if there was a book that offered daily reminders of that possibility? I’d read it!
If you thought I was describing the Bible, you’re absolutely right. We should always start there for our direction, hope, and encouragement. But God gives some the ability to write great “helper” books, personal accounts offering the extra touch of humanity to the Biblical truths. And I offer a suggestion…
One of my favorites is “New Morning Mercies” by Paul David Tripp. I couldn’t help to think this would be a perfect addition to people’s libraries as they look for a new devotional for 2022. Or, maybe this is already on your shelf, and I offer a gentle suggestion to consider another reading this year. Either way, Paul writes 365 greatly needed meditations reminding us of God’s endless grace in our lives. Lamentations 3:22-23 is the basis of the book and reminds us:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
We need to be reminded, constantly, of God’s grace and mercy. I often find myself buried under timelines and tasks of my own doing, thinking I can do just one more thing for God. Other times, I’m so exhausted I wonder what difference it all makes to God or those around me. In both perspectives, I recognize I am serving myself and my expectations. I need a fresh start!
“New Morning Mercies” is a godsend as I read and am reminded of the transforming grace God gives to me and how my identity is not in this world but in Christ. If you choose to read, I pray you will find this devotion as much of a blessing as I have.
By sharing our stories of hope and healing, we offer an exceptional gift to another. So often, in times of suffering and pain, we benefit from knowing we are not alone. Our words can make a significant difference to someone who needs to hear a Biblical perspective of hope.
You may have heard the statistics, “1 out of 4 women by age 45 will have had an abortion.” And of those women and men, so many have not experienced God’s grace, forgiveness, and love. And of their families, friends, and loved ones, they may think they don’t have permission to grieve the loss.
If you have not experienced abortion personally, I ask you to pray for God’s wisdom in how you can become a safe person for those you may know or come into contact with who are suffering from abortion. Being a safe person is vital, and it grants the Lord the opportunity to use you as a healing vessel. Unfortunately, the abortion-minded and those who have chosen abortion often hurt and feel isolated. However, there are several ways to pursue education to help those who grieve their decisions. Learn more here.
If you have been affected by abortion and have not sought after abortion care, I ask for you to pray for discernment and guidance from the Lord on your next steps. You may think you need to wait for the “right time.” But the reality is, the enemy will never allow that feeling to come. If you would like more information on care after an abortion, please reach out to us. No judgment, only help to hope. — Tanya and Tricia.
